My journey to eating for health and mental balance

Here I am again, sitting at the computer to write my first blog post under Leaves & Measures (a blog name that my mother gave to me in a sort of kismet way, but that’s a story for another evening). This post was originally titled Beginner’s guide to juicing, then Beginner’s guide to eating for health and beauty. Subjects that I do wish to write about soon but I wanted to begin with something that felt more personal. I am doing this to help others, but to also help me own those disavowed parts of myself. So, here it is:

My body, my self-worth, food, and how I eat. I can trace back to the moments that these 4 things began to intertwine, bind together and seemingly never separate again. I developed early, shortly after turning 11 I could already fill a C-cup. My mom, who despite my endowment felt I was too young to already wear a bra would only buy me sports bra. At this time I was growing, before now I had always been really thin and when my boobs came in, I was noticeably chubbier as well. I wasn’t fat or overweight but I was definitely thick enough to feel uncomfortable running or jumping rope (my favorite) Because I grew so quickly, I remember one morning noticing something on my skin, when a family member pointed out to me that I have stretch marks, and it wasn’t a thoughtful explanation, I believe the exact words for “ Oh no you have stretch marks already?” In this moment I began to see my body differently, and completely separate from me. Here is this thing outside of me that people can judge or say something about and because it belongs to me, it represents me. Suddenly, my body that went seemingly unnoticed before, was now this thing I didn’t like. I remember going on my first diet in middle school. My parents at this time were living separately. I lived with my mom and grandparents and my mom was busy. My grandmother made me lunch that I’d throw away most days If you’re anything like me, food has ruled you for most of your life. It seemed that from the moment I discovered what a calorie was, my mind has never had a balanced approach to food. My disordered eating in my teens, obsessively counting calories, and a random binge . In my late teens, I went through my first rock bottom when my acceptance to college was delayed due to some credits not being transferable. I spent my entire summer searching for a city college with acceptable credits, filled my schedule up, only to be told my acceptance would be delayed an entire semester. I was crushed and for the first time I’d go weeks at a time binge eating whatever I wanted. Inevitably, I gained weight and by the time I entered that first semester at school I had gained almost 20lbs. The mental imbalance when it came to food was a cyclical nightmare I always wanted to choose what would